Just go, C!
I'm Charity, a proud auntie, wine lover, semi-nerd, and dreamer who can't stay in one place for too long.
I wanted to share my journey with ayahuasca and San Pedro for a few important reasons. The first big reason is that I very strongly believe that there are answers to our questions that we can't find using what many people would call "traditional" methods. There are also some things that can't be healed with modern Western medicine. These are the opinions of someone who is not a trained medical or psychological professional; however, I still believe them wholeheartedly. I did record a short video and posted it on my Facebook page which some of you have already seen. Really, though, that was just a sliver of what I actually went through, and I wanted to go into more details, especially since a few of you had more questions after watching the video. Another reason I went through this is because I felt that I was meant to. If you ever do research on ayahuasca and listen to or watch people's personal accounts, you'll often hear that people say something to the effect of, "I was called to it." It was no different for me. I'll delve into that a little more shortly. Yet another reason I wanted to go through this process is that there are stigmas out there surrounding mental heath issues and alternative medicine. If I can talk about my issues and the things I'm trying to help overcome those issues, then maybe I can help heal someone or inspire someone else to do the same for themselves. Finally, I signed up for the ayahuasca retreat because I needed help. How did I decide on Ayahuasca/San Pedro? My ayahuasca journey started well before August 11, 2018. A few years ago, I started developing an interest in shamanism and attended a few workshops just to learn more about it. I was fascinated by how long it has existed in human history, and to this day, still continues to heal indigenous people and provide wisdom for those who seek it. While I was traveling in Australia, I woke up one morning and saw one of the most magnificent sunrises I'd ever seen. I stayed awake long enough to watch the sun rise completely, then fell back asleep. During that sleep, I had a dream that I went to South America. That dream was so vivid and I have never forgotten it. I take my dreams fairly seriously, so I interpreted this as a sign of what was to come in the future. Not long after I decided to go to South America, I started reading blogs by a professional travel blogger who goes by The Professional Hobo. Initially, I'd started reading her blogs since she is a very successful digital nomad who has been able to sustain her traveling lifestyle for many years. Then, I found her blog posts on ayahuasca and San Pedro. She mentioned participating in a retreat at a place called Gaia Sagrada, and she even stayed after her retreat to volunteer for a while. I knew immediately in my gut that that was where I was going to go. Since beginning my nomadic lifestyle, I've worked on becoming more transparent about my struggles and I have mentioned these struggles in a few of my blog posts. One thing I want to make clear is that choosing to uproot my life and live out in the world did not cause all my problems to vanish. Certainly, I've been gifted some extraordinary experiences which have given me perspective and heaps of gratitude. Yet, the voices remain. Those little monsters that live inside my head still talk to me every day and still remind me about everything I'm not. They don't give up easily. Thankfully, neither do I. But it gets very exhausting and defeating when you go through the same vicious cycles over and over again. I also struggle with the symptoms of PCOS. For anyone who may not know, PCOS is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's an endocrine disorder that may affect between 10-20% of women who are in their childbearing years. Many women are unable to conceive because of it. Sadly, many women go undiagnosed, or are misdiagnosed. I started experiencing symptoms in my late teens and wasn't properly diagnosed until my mid-30s. It was for all of these reasons that I signed up for my first ayahuasca retreat. Why Gaia Sagrada? In addition to reading the blogs by The Professional Hobo, I did a LOT of research on ayahuasca and this particular retreat. Everything I'd read about Gaia Sagrada was positive. I couldn't find a single negative review. Ayahuasca is something one needs to take very, very seriously. It does have a negative reputation on some web sites and in some circles. And yes, there have been deaths that have occurred during ayahuasca retreats. So, it's not something you want to just willy-nilly buy off some random street salesperson in Peru. You really need to make sure it's done the right way by experienced shamans. Gaia Sagrada had exactly that to offer. Now that I've completed the retreat, I can absolutely recommend that anyone who wants to do an ayahuasca/San Pedro retreat seriously consider Gaia Sagrada. Yes, you will find cheaper options out there. But, remember what I said about taking this seriously. You do get what you pay for. I was willing to pay a higher price for the near-guarantee of my health and safety. Not only that, but the staff at the retreat was second to none. They hire work exchangers in addition to their regular staff and experienced shamans. All of the exchangers were polite, friendly, positive, hard-working, supportive - everything you need when you're going through the emotionally and physically challenging process of an ayahuasca or San Pedro ceremony. I was in great hands. What's it like to be on ayahuasca? Do you throw up a lot?! The ayahuasca "brew" is comprised of two plants - one that contains the naturally-occurring chemical DMT, and another plant that contains MAOIs. The MAOIs help prevent the breakdown of DMT in your stomach, and therefore, allow the DMT to be absorbed into your body, which gives people the visual and "trippy" experiences that are often reported with ayahuasca. The brew affects every person differently. Many people do throw up, yes. This is called a "purge" and is actually encouraged during the ceremony since it means that the medicine is working. During my retreat, some people purged within minutes of taking the brew. I didn't purge until the very end of my journey. Some people don't throw up but might have to take a number 2 in the toilet, or maybe cry a lot, or maybe yawn or even laugh. Everyone reacts differently. After taking the brew, the journey can last several hours so it's important to remain in a very safe place, preferably under supervision by experienced shamans. At Gaia Sagrada, the work exchangers help people get up and walk to the toilet if they need to go, or provide them with tissues, extra blankets, etc. so that everyone is as comfortable as possible. What's it like to be on San Pedro? San Pedro is a waaaaay different experience than ayahuasca. It's referred to as a masculine energy, whereas ayahuasca is feminine. My experience with San Pedro was a very calming, reassuring, heart-opening one. I felt like a version of my best self; someone who loves easily and freely without bias, prejudice, fear of rejection, or any obstacles that could prevent someone from loving unconditionally. I was much more forgiving of myself, and more vulnerable in sharing my pain and fears with others at the ceremony. Normally, I'm a very reserved person when it comes to my fears and my pain, but San Pedro allowed me to be open, honest, forgiving, and empathetic with myself and with everyone else who was sharing their own pain and fear. It was a really beautiful experience, in my opinion. Additionally, you don't have the same physical side effects that you have with ayahuasca. In other words, no purging. But, we generally had to start San Pedro in the morning because it keeps you awake for quite a while and can make you jittery and twitchy if you take too much. What was YOUR ayahuasca ceremony like, Charity? I took ayahuasca twice, and San Pedro three times. San Pedro had the same effect on me every time. It was fairly predictable. Ayahuasca was definitely the wild card for me. The first time I took ayahuasca, it felt like nothing was happening. I kept waiting for all the magical visions and profound messages that I'd heard everyone was supposed to get, yet nothing happened. What I *did* get was annoyed, agitated, impatient, and really tired. Not the experience I had signed up for. I just remember thinking how I wish I could just leave the circle, go back to my room, and go to sleep. I was over it! I did purge, though, which was interesting considering it felt like nothing happened. The second ceremony kicked my ass. I definitely got everything "I signed up for" and more. I won't share every single detail, because a) some of it is very personal and not something I want to share on the entire worldwide web, and b) the shaman says that oversharing can actually dilute your experience, so it's best to keep some things to yourself. What I will share is that I did see "Mother Ayahuasca" as she is often called. She took on several different forms, actually, but I always knew it was her. During the beginning the ceremony, when the medicine finally kicked in, I was lying on what felt like an operating table and she was examining me. Examining my brain, really. While she was doing this, in one split second, I made eye contact with her, and it was like a jolt of electricity coursed through my body. While you're under the influence of the medicine, you're still able to communicate with "her" and ask her questions, etc. I asked her why she had not shown up the first night of the ceremony, and she responded, "Oh, I was knocking, but you wouldn't let me in." Fair enough. I was definitely nervous and probably blocked anything from happening because of my own need to control. There was a part of the journey that turned very dark. During that phase, everyone and everything became very distorted. The work exchangers looked like demons. Even the fire looked demonic. I was becoming terrified and I asked Ayahuasca to go easy on me. It was during that phase that some dark things were revealed to me about my past. As disturbing as it was, and still is, it made total and complete sense to me. It was as if I knew the truth was there this whole time but I was refusing to ever acknowledge it. It's very difficult to explain. During that time, Ayahuasca was very comforting to me and didn't let me see more than I could handle. She took it easy on me, I think. She told me that the reason I purged the first time was because she was done trying to work with me; I wasn't allowing it to happen. So, she decided to leave my body. When I purged that 2nd time, she made sure I was ready for her to leave, and she didn't leave until I told her it was okay for her to go. I was only then that I purged. Despite that one negative piece, it was, overall, a really incredible and beautiful experience. I got answers to some of my questions, and others I didn't get answers to, but I feel that there was a good reason for that. And maybe, more will be revealed in time that will make some sense of the messages I received. But I am a Christian/Buddhist/Hindu/Atheist/insert your belief here. How can I also believe all this ayahuasca business?
Let me just say that I completely understand and empathize with this question, because I asked myself exactly the same thing going into the retreat. I don't identify with any particular religion. I do believe in God, and I believe God can take on many different forms. I have had what I would call an on-again, off-again relationship with God that I've struggled to make sense of over the years. It's only been fairly recently that I've felt a shift within my heart and have opened myself up more to have a stronger and healthier relationship with God and to develop the spiritual side of myself. Here is what I believe, and you can make of it anything you wish. I believe that God and Ayahuasca are not mutually exclusive. I believe God's all-encompassing message is one of love. Love each other, love ourselves, love what God has created. Ayahuasca is part of God's creation. Ayahuasca has healed people, not just physically, but emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally. There were people at this retreat, whom I now call my friends, who came from all walks of life and all sorts of traumas and pain and suffering that I still struggle to wrap my head around. Ayahuasca brought all of us together, and healed each of us in ways that were unique to us. During that retreat, we went from being complete strangers to people who LOVE one another as though we were family. We ARE family. We've been talking with each other every day since the retreat, no exaggeration. How is that not an expression of God? How is that not an example of God's love for all of us? If you're struggling to find that bridge between God and something like Ayahuasca, I understand, but I encourage you to find those similarities and find God's message in my experience, or your own experience, or the experiences of others around you. Because I promise, it's there. Please comment with your thoughts, questions, remarks, anything I can do. This post has been a really personal one for me, so I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this to the end. I hope all of us finds spiritual fulfillment, regardless of the paths we choose and the methods we employ to find it.
19 Comments
Brett Lee
9/9/2018 10:15:37 pm
From travelling solo around Australia to this latest adventure, your bravery is inspirational, keep going and most importantly keep enjoying
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Charity
9/10/2018 09:11:06 pm
Brett, I'm so glad that we've stayed in touch, and thank you very much for continuing to follow along on my adventures! It means a lot to me, truly.
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Adrienne
9/9/2018 10:44:18 pm
Wonderfully written and so thankful you shared your story. Xoxo
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Charity
9/10/2018 09:11:55 pm
Love you, my friend! Thank you - again - for being in my corner, 100%. Sure do you miss you.
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Laura
9/10/2018 10:01:41 am
WOW! I am amazed by the places you are going and things you are experiencing. I am happy you found some answers. Your journey is inspiring. Thanks for sharing it.
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Charity
9/10/2018 09:12:38 pm
Laura, thank you SO much for taking the time to read this and for sharing your kind words!
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Jeanie
9/10/2018 12:03:43 pm
So inspiring! Thanks so much for sharing.
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Charity
9/10/2018 09:13:29 pm
My pleasure, lady! Always grateful that you take the time to read my posts. I really do appreciate it.
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Corinna
9/10/2018 08:51:27 pm
Charity, thank you for sharing this experience! All that you have done takes tremendous courage, and I hope that you are gentle and loving and patient with yourself. Your piece is really well written, you have a natural gift of storytelling. We never have to have all of the answers, and that can be a frustrating yet beautiful part of this life. That being said, I’m glad you have found a few! I look forward to hearing more about your ongoing journey.
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Charity
9/10/2018 09:09:23 pm
Well hello, m'lady! I am, like the majority of us, a work in progress. This experience definitely helped point me in the right direction, for which I am extremely grateful. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words, and really just for always being a go-to gal for me and someone whom I've always loved for being exactly who she is. You're a gift to me and to the world! Love you!
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Anat
9/11/2018 03:01:19 pm
Beautiful Charity, I am so greatful for the ayahusca journey we have shared. It would have been far less entertaining going through it without you and your great sense of humour. Thank you for the beautiful post and greetings from Paris,
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Charity
9/12/2018 04:01:06 pm
Anat! I'm so happy to hear from you, and so thankful that you found my blog and took the time to read it. I hope you are enjoying some of your time in Paris. Please keep in touch and let me know how your life post-retreat has been going. I miss you, my dearest!
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Ebony Nicholas
9/24/2018 06:40:22 pm
“During that retreat, we went from being complete strangers to people who LOVE one another as though we were family. We ARE family. We've been talking with each other every day since the retreat, no exaggeration. How is that not an expression of God? How is that not an example of God's love for all of us?”
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Charity
9/25/2018 07:34:40 pm
Ebony!! Thank you SO much for taking time to read this and for your comments. I miss you, too, and hope we haven't seen the last of each other. You were such a special part of my own journey and I hope you are living an absolutely full and beautiful life.
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10/12/2018 04:13:44 am
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful report! It's amazing!
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Charity
10/12/2018 03:29:18 pm
I'm honored, Christine! Such a pleasure to meet you and be in your presence for a while at the retreat. It was an unforgettable experience and I'm so grateful for your time and generosity. You have such beautiful gifts and a shining presence. Not bad for a hippie chick from California. ;-)
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Kathi
5/15/2020 07:56:04 pm
Thanks, I did read until the end, and value your honesty and integrity in sharing. I believe the spiritual paths are like the colors shooting put from one prism, it:s all divinely inspired. I too believe that God-dess takes many forms. Buddha said there are 87,000 paths, for each type ofof temperma of beings. I'm glad your willingness to be healed allowed for a safe and profound experience.
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Charity
5/16/2020 12:54:58 pm
Well-said! I think each of us has our own spiritual path, and they are all woven together into something beautiful that I don't even think we've begun to grasp. But, we're all connected no matter how separate we might seem sometimes. It's tough to remember that in times like these.
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11/25/2023 05:01:12 pm
https://turkeymedicals.com
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AuthorHi! I'm Charity. I'm from Omaha, Nebraska, USA. I quit my job in October 2016 to travel the world. Archives
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