Just go, C!
I'm Charity, a proud auntie, wine lover, semi-nerd, and dreamer who can't stay in one place for too long.
Just recently, I had what I consider to be my first real bout of homesickness.
Sure, I've gotten a little wistful every now and again since starting this journey, and I've had my share of WTF-am-I-doing moments, but this episode hit me a lot harder than the others. Honestly, it has caught me off guard. Why now am I finally experiencing this? It's been over six months since I left home. You'd think I would have had my "episode" by now. I don't think it was triggered by any one thing. I think it's been a combination of things, and it's all sort of snowballed. I think I've been so busy adjusting, especially to Thailand, that I haven't really had the time or energy to look behind me. I think I wanted the change SO badly that I forgot who and what I left behind. And "forgot" is probably a poor word choice - I think I've distracted myself from thinking about it/them. Right now, it's summertime back home. Around this time every year, I usually go camping, kayaking, road tripping, and winery visiting. I usually make it to one or two of my friends' backyard cookouts. I catch a few outdoor concerts. I bask in the joy of being able to wear flip flops on the regular. I put the heavy winter coats away by stuffing them into the nether regions of my closet, secretly wishing I wouldn't have to pull them back out in another 4 months. I miss all of that. I really do. Yes, it's hot here every.effing.day and I can wear sandals to my heart's content, but it's all of that anticipation and excitement for the change of seasons that I miss. My sister is going to have her 3rd baby in a few weeks. I won't be there for it. I changed my oldest niece's diapers when she was a baby. I will never forget the day that same niece, around 3 years old, handed me a sonogram photo and said, "That's my baby brother!" I visited my sister in the hospital after she had him and deeply sympathized with her after seeing how huge my nephew's head was. I won't be there for my new baby niece's birth, nor for her first few months, possibly years, of her life. I deeply miss my (former) dog. He is in the absolute best hands and I couldn't have asked for a better outcome for him. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss seeing his uncontrollable excitement whenever I walked in the door, or his snoring. The guilt that I had for leaving him behind has been incredibly hard to shake, despite how happy he is now. I'm watching some of my friends go through some really epic life changes. I admit that I tend to be an extrovert by day and an introvert by night, and can often be people-avoidant, but I still wish I could be there in person for some of them, to give them a huge hug, maybe shed a few tears with and for them, bake them some cookies and cupcakes... Speaking of which, I really... REALLY... miss having a kitchen. I miss being able to cook a meal for myself, and of course I miss baking, because truly that was my way of giving of myself to others. I realize this is all sounding like a sob story and I do not feel sorry for myself, nor do I want or expect anyone to feel sorry for me. The reality is, I have a lot of fucking cool things going on right now, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But, I just want people... YOU... to know, that I do miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss being able to see your face while I talk to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss you laughing at me. This homesickness, I believe, is not about wishing I were back home living the old life. It's about really appreciating - no, loving - what I did have. I'm sorry I had to leave to understand that, but I'm still glad I'm understanding it now. PS. I really fucking miss Amazon Prime.
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AuthorHi! I'm Charity. I'm from Omaha, Nebraska, USA. I quit my job in October 2016 to travel the world. Archives
June 2022
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